NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



MR. BOB 



COPYRIGHT. 1889. BY WALTER H. BAKER CO. 











































BAKER’S DARKEY PLAYS 

Edited and arranged for publication from the well-known repertoire of 
“ SCHOOLCRAFT AND COES ” with all their original 
“gags’/ and “stage business.” 

BY GEO. H. COES. 

Price.15 cents each. 


“Luke Schoolcraft” anrl “George Coes” are too well known to admirers of 
Negro Minstrelsy to require comment, ami the following selections from their 
admirable repertory of pieces have no need of other recommendation. No one 
who has seen these artists in any of the following list of sketches needs assur¬ 
ance of their humor and good acting quality. Twelve are now ready, and others 
will follOAV as the demand arises. 

Mrs. Didymus’ Party. In One Scene. Two male characters. 
Scene, a plain room. An immensely humorous trifle. Plays 
twenty minutes. 

Music VS. Elocution. In One Scene. Two male characters. 

Scene, a plain room. Always very popular. Plays fifteen minutes. 
Mistaken Identity. In One Scene. Eight male and one female 
characters. Can be played in “white face” if desired. Plays 
fifteen minutes. 

Oh, Well, It’s No Use. In One Scene. Three male characters. 
A very funny sketch, full of genuine darkey humor. Plays 
twenty minutes. 

Here She Goes, and There She Goes. In One Act. Eight 
male and one female characters. An uproariously funny piece 
of great popularity. Plays twenty-five minutes. 

A Finished Education. A Finale for the “First Part” of a 
Minstrel Entertainment. Three speaking characters. No change 
of scene 

Black Blunders. Ill Two Scenes. Nine males and three females. 
Scenery simple; costumes eccentric. Very lively and amusing.’ 
Plays twenty-five minutes. 

The Old Parson. A “First Part Finish” for a Minstrel Enter¬ 
tainment. Six speaking characters. No change of scene. 
Sublime and Ridiculous. In One Scene. Three male characters. 
Scenery and costumes very simple. A sure hit for a good burlesque 
comedian. Plays twenty minutes. 

Everyday Occurrences. A “First Part Finish” for a Minstrel 
Entertainment. Three speaking characters. No change of scene. 
Badly Sold. In Two Scenes. Four male characters and supers. 
A very funny piece. Can be played “white face” with equally 
good effect. Plays twenty minutes. 

Our Colored Conductors. In Two Scenes. Three male char¬ 
acters and ten supers. This is an uproariously funny “ skit” and a 
sure hit. Plays twenty minutes. 


Catalogues describing the above and other popular entertainments 
sent free on application to 

WALTER H. BAKER & cj 

THEATRICAL PUBLISHERS, 

No. 23 Winter Street - BOSTON J 




MR. 


BOB 


& (Conutin 

<«■» 


tit 2n.ua ®cts 


BY 

RACHEL E. BAKER 

Author of “The Chaperon,” “A King’s Daughter,” “After Taps,” 

“ Her Picture,” etc. 



As Originally Produced by the Proscenium Club of Roxbury, 

Mass., Abril 27TH, 1S94 


j (0 $7-2^ 


BOSTON 








F5 f-T^? 

* G3, fV) c 

CHARACTERS. 


Philip Royson. 

Robert Brown, clerk of Benson and Benson. 
Jenkins, Miss Rebecca's butler. 

Reb ecca Luke, a maiden lady. 

Katherine Rogers, her niece. 

Marion Bryant, Katherine 1 s friend. 

Patty, Miss Rebecca's maid. f <- , . 


% 



Copyright, 1894, by Rachel E. Baker 


All rights reserved. 





MR. BOB. 


ACT I. 

Scene.— Breakfast-room at Tresham; time , morning. Entrance 
C., opening upon piazza ; doors R. and L. itiflat ; open Jirepiace, 
r. in flat, with mantel above it j couch with cushion l. ; table 
down R. c., laid for breakfast. Jenkins arranging dishes upon 
table. 

Miss Becky (enters after curtain rises j looks off c. to r.). 
There! It is under the hydrangea. Go at once, Jenkins, and t 
bring in the half-starved little creature. 

Jenkins (very dignified j continuing his work at table). Excuse 
me, ma'am ; but it’s beneath the dignity of a butler to be running 
after cats. If it was a dog or a ’orse, ma’am ; but a cat I objects -5 
to. 

Miss B. ( still looking off c.). Nonsense, Jenkins! You have 
been too long in my service to make-objections now. 

Jenk. (going towards c. back). But, I says, ma’am, if it was 
only a dog or a ’orse— 10 

Miss B. ( coming down c. front) . It is neither a dog nor a horse, 
so make haste, and have no more words about it. 

Jenk. (following Miss Becky down). But, I says, ma’am — 

Miss B. That will do, Jenkins. 

Jenk. (walks with dignity to door , c. ; about to exit , turns back). 

If it was only a dog or a ’orse — 

Miss B. (l. c. ; sternly). Jenkins! (Jenkins exit.) My servants 
have lived with me so long they have become quite independent. 
(Crosses to table.) The idea of Jenkins objecting to anything! 
(Seated at table; takes up newspaper .) I am so delighted with 
my new scheme of a winter home for the cats. The upper rooms ih- 
are to be made into one, covered by a glass roof. I am expect¬ 
ing the architect this morning. His visit must be unknown to 
Katherine and Philip. They object to this humane idea of mine. 
(Reads paper.) 

(Enter Patty, c.l.. dancing; holds in one hand her skirts and a 
tray upon which are letters , in the other a book , which she is 
reading. Does not see or hear Miss Becky ; comes down c.) 

Miss B. (sees Patty). Well, I never! What next? Patty! 
(Patty still dances.) Patty ! (Same business ; Miss Becky rises, 
takes PATTY by the arm and shakes her.) Patty ! 

3 


4 


MR. BOB. 


Patty (drops tray and endeavors to hide book behind her). 
Lor ! Miss Becky ! I beg your pardon. ( Picks up tray and lettersj 
gives them to Miss Becky. Miss Becky, r. c. ; Patty, l. c.) 

Miss B. ( taking letters). What book are you reading? 

Pat. ( embarrassed). It’s only a play-book, ma’am. 

Miss B. Give it to me. (Patty gives it to her reluctantly; 
Miss Becky reads title.) “Juliet Capuletta, the Ballet-Dancer.” 
( Tears book; looks at Patty sternly.) The waste-basket is the 
proper place for such literature. ( Throws paper in basket by fire¬ 
place.) No more of this nonsense. You have something else to 
do in the morning. This is the result of allowing you to go to the 
theatre.' It has completely turned your head. 

Pat. I can’t help it, ma’am ; 1 just loves it. I yearns to be a 
dancer; to wear crinkled skirts and stand on my toes. (. Attempts 
to stand upon toes.) 

Miss B. (sternly). Patty! Stop such nonsense at once. (. Points 
to scrap-basket.) Put that basket in its proper place, and tell Mary 
to serve breakfast at once. 

Pat. I flies to do your bidding. (.Dances across stage.) 

Miss B. Patty! (Patty walks demurely.) If Mr. Brown calls 
this morning, his visit must be known only to me. Communicate 
with me at once ; and be sure that you do not speak of it to Miss 
Katherine or Mr. Philip. (Patty, r. front.) 

Pat. Yes, Miss Becky. {Aside; stands by basket; speaks dra¬ 
matically.) I must stoop to common things and pick up baskets. 
{Dances with basket to door c. against Katherine, who enters, 
reading a letter; Miss Becky seated again at table at c., facing 
audience.) 

Katherine. What are you trying to do? Demolish me? 

Pat. {bows profoundly). Lor ! Miss Katherine. I begs your 
pardon. I didn’t see nothing. 

Kath. {laughing). “Nothing” — that is flattering. The next 
time look out for something , and perhaps you will see it. (Patty 
exit.) Auntie, your once demure little Patty will blossom into a 
full-fledged actress before we know it. 

Miss B. Not if I can help it. 

Kath. {embraces Miss Becky). I have such good news. Bob 
comes to-day. 

Miss B. Dear me, child! I can’t breathe. Your friend is com¬ 
ing? I am very glad. But the idea of calling a young lady Bob. It 
is not very dignified. 

Kath. It suits her perfectly. Marion is too sedate. {Sits at 
L. of table j Miss Becky sits, facing audience.) 

{Enter Jenkins with covered basket , which he holds at ami's 
length; wipes his forehead .) 

Jenk. (l. profit). For a cat as must be hungry, he ain’t very 
thankful. He and me ran a race, ma’am ; and I must say as ’ow it 
was ’ot. 


* 


MR. BOB. 5 

Miss B. Give the creature something to eat, and serve breakfast 
at once. 

Jenk. I objects, ma’am. As I says, if it was a dog or a ’orse— 

Miss B. (rises) . That will do. And, Jenkins (Jenkins 'comes 
down stage with Miss Becky), if Mr. Brown should call let me 
know immediately. Do not speak of his visit to any one else. Do 
you understand ? 

Jenk. I do, Miss Becky. ( Exit with basket at back.) 

Kath. (at table). I do believe, Aunt Becky, that you would 
turn this house into an asylum for cats were it not for Philip. 

Miss B. I certainly should. Just as much sense for me to be 
interested in a worthy charity, as for Philip to risk his life in a boat 
which half the time has its keel out of water. 

Kath. That is where the fun comes in. All the more exciting 
when there is danger. 

Miss B. Philip would be wiser to devote his spaye time to the 
study of medicine. 

Kath. A man must have some fmw And that reminds me. 
Philip h^s never seen Bob. (Rises.) Calls her “Mr. Bob,” and 
thinks that she is a man. I won’t undeceive him, and we’ll have 
some fun. 

Miss B. Have a care, Katherine. No good ever comes of de¬ 
ception. (Philip heard whistling; Miss Becky resumes seat at 
c., by table.) 

Kath. (runs to door , c.). Mum’s the word, auntie. Here comes 
Philip now. 

(Enter Philip. He wears white duck trousers, bhie coat, and 
yachting-capj flowers in hand.) 

Philip. Good-morning, Aunt Becky. (Places rose at her 
plate.) A bit of the morning’s freshness, with my compliments. 
(Turns to Katherine.) The same to you, my fair cousin. (Pre¬ 
sents rose with mock courtesy.) Thus do we bow in homage to 
your superior beauty. 

Kath. (takes rose). The morning's freshness does not seem to 
have confined itself to the roses. In return for such gallantry here 
are your letters. 

Phil, (takes letters). Thanks. (Seated opposite Katherine 
at table. Jenkins enters with coffee on tray. Miss Becky pours j 
Jenkins serves , then exit.) 

Phil, (reading from letter). Here is something from your law? 
yers, Benson & Benson. 

Miss B. Have they found the will? 

Phil. The missing codicil is not amongst the papers. Unless 
we can present it, a large portion of your mother’s money will be 
used to found some charitable institution. 

Miss B. What injustice ! I would use it to establish a home for 
destitute cats. 

Phil, (laughs). When I commence practice and a season of 


6 


MR. BOB. 


long and weary waiting, I shall need all your spare change. Don’t 
give it to cats. 

Miss B. Just as much sense as for you to spend your time and 
money on a boat. 

Phil. Suppose we strike a bargain. You give up the cats and 
I will give up the boats. ( Offers hand.) Shake upon it. 

Miss B. We will think about it first. 


(Patty runs on l., laughing ; comes down c., front.) 

Pat. There is trouble in the kitchen, Miss Becky. Thunder, 
the black cat, fell into the barrel of flour, and he’s so surprised to 
find himself white, he's a-taking on terribly. (Philip and Kath¬ 
erine laugh.) 

Miss B. (rises). If this work keeps on much longer, this will be 
an asylum for lunatics. (Patty is laughing; tries to resume dig¬ 
nity when Miss Becky looks at her; exeunt Miss Becky and 
Patty.) 

Phil. This fad of Aunt Becky’s is perfect nonsense. I must 
find some way to stop it. 

Kath. (. stands behind Philip; holds a letter in front of him). 
Put on your glasses and your thinking-cap. Who wrote this letter? 

Phil. Haven't an idea. One of your many admirers, I suppose. 

Kath. Oh, come, do guess ! 

Phil. Jack Reynolds? 

Kath. No ; guess again. 

Phil. Mr. Bob? 

Kath. Yes. And just think of it, Philip, Bob really comes to- 


Oh, he does. 


day. 

Phil. ( starts to rise; Katherine detains him). 

Then I shall depart. 

Kath. Certainly not. I wish you to meet my friend. 

Oh, I know enough men already. 

But not many like Bob. 

What sort of a chap is this manly ideal ? (Lights ciga- 


Phil. 
Kath. 
Phil. 
rette.) 
Kath. 
Phil. 
Kath. 
Phil. 
Kath. 
Phil. 
Kath. 
door l.) 


Just fine. 

Any sand ? 

No end. 

Can he sail a boat? 

Like an ancient mariner. 

Fond of smoking:? 

c> 

Enjoys the odor of a good cigar immensely 
This is to be Bob’s room. Do help make 
Bring down some of your treasures — that’s a dear ! 

Phil, (rises). All right. I suppose I must play the agreeable. 
What time does Mr. Bob arrive? 

Kath. Some time this morning. I must leave you, as I have 
letters to write. Don’t forget your promise. (Exit.) 

Phil. Ha! Pleasant business this, entertaining one of Kitty’s 


( Opens 
it cosey. 


MR. ROB. 7 

admirers. He’ll want cigars, of course. Gad ! He shall have the 
best the house affords. {Exit.) 

{Enter Jenkins r., with empty tray ; removes dishes from table.) 

Jenk. There are some things beneath the dignity of a Jenkins. 
There ain’t no objections to a-feeding of a dog or a driving of a 
’orse, but when it comes to cats, the spirit, — and if I do say it, it’s 
true,—the noble spirit of a Jenkins objects. {Changes cloth for 
dark cover.) 

{Enter Patty r. ; dances down stage to Jenkins/ takes him by ear 

and leads him down front.) 

Pat. Menial, I would a word with thee. (Jenkins r. c. ; Patty 

L. C.) 

Jenk. Patty, there is an abruptness about your behavior which 
is very jarring to my nerves. I objects to such treatment. 

Pat. Oh, nonsense! You are always objecting. You’ve no 
soul for dramatic art. 

Jenk. {with sentiment). No, Patty. {Places hand ufon heart.) 
But I’ve an ’eart that beats for you. My eyelids flutter when my 
eyes catches sight of you. {Goes toward Patty with arms out¬ 
stretched ; Patty avoids them by going under.) 

Pat. Well, how about your head? Do you think that could 
catch anything? — an idea? 

Jenk. {with dignity). Some day you will be sorry you scorned 
the noble love of a Jenkins. {Resumes work at table.) 

Pat. Who said anything about scorning your noble love. I 
didn’t. {Holds up paper .) Do you see that ? 

Jenk. {with injured dignity). Yes. 

Pat. That is a paper what says that we and the cats is done. 
We agrees to give warning, if another one walks into this house. 
Now, that cat this morning — 

Jenk. Excuse me, it did not walk into the ’ouse; I brought it 
in. Who’s “we,” Patty? 

Pat. {counts upon fingers). There’s me and the cook; then 
there’s cook and James: that’s four, and you is the last. We 
wants you to sign this paper. 

Jenk. No, Patty; I objects. There’s no haffinity between me 
and the cats, but 1 have lived too long with Miss Becky to ’urt her 
tender feelings. 

Pat. Very well, Mr. Jenkins, of noble and dignified blood; 
very well, I say. You can choose between me and Miss Becky. 

Jenk. Patty, you know my ’eart beats beneath this breast. 

( Takes tray and walks to door. r. ; turns and speaks at entrance.) I 
never thought as ’ow you would let cats come between us. {Exit.) 

Pat. I’ll give him one more day to sign that paper. If I don’t 
make him sorry, my name ain’t Patty. {Dances ciboitlstage; dances 
while Philip makes his entrance.) 


8 


MR. BOB. 


{Enter Philip, C. ; has two or three tennis-caps on head , boxing- 

gloves and tennis-rackets over shoulder , holds a tray upon which 

are pipes and cigar si) 

Phil. Come here, you will-o’-the-wisp, and help me. (Patty 
takes tray from him.) Open that door and let me throw this hos¬ 
pitality in. (Patty opens door l. ; Philip throws in te7inis-rackets 
and boxing-gloves.) It won’t do to throw in the pipes, I suppose. 
{Exit with tray.) 

Pat. What’s the matter with Mr. Philip? {Laughs.) Perhaps 
the cats have moved into his room. He’ll be wanting to sign our 
paper next. {Exit R., dancing and laughing.) 

{Enter Katherine, c.) 

Kath. I wonder how Philip is getting on? {Looks in door L.; 
laughs.) What a picture! A perfect bower of pipes and tennis- 
rackets. It only needs the stale odor of cigar smoke to make it a 
genuine college room. {Calls.) Busy, Philip? 

{Enter Philip, wipi)ig face with handkerchief.) 

Phil. Do I look as though I had been idle? 

Kath. You look decidedly warm. You are just a dear to make 
the room so cosey ! 

Phil. Glad you like it. {Looks at watch.) Mr. Bob ought to 
be here soon. How shall I meet him, anyway ? 

Kath. Heartily, of course. 

Phil. Shall I knock upon his door as we do at college, and say, 
“ Hallo, old man ! how are you?” 

Kath. Capital! Couldn’t be better. ' 

Phil. Well, I’m off to my den. I can’t neglect medicine, even 
for dear Mr. Bob. You will see me soon enough. {Exit c.) 

Kath. {comes to c., laughing). What fun ! Dear old fellow ! 
If I did not know that he has more than a generous share of good¬ 
nature, I should never dare attempt it. 

{Enter Miss Becky with workbasket j sits by table.) 

Miss B. There, I do believe we shall have peace for a few 
hours at least! The mighty dollar has appeased Mary’s wrath, and 
everything will be serene until the next cat arrives. 

Kath. Rather expensive hospitality, Aunt Becky. {At door , 
c.) It is just a perfect day. The sun is sparkling upon the river, 
and the yachts sway to and fro at their moorings, as though impatient 
for the race. Philip’s boat is sure to win. 

Miss B. I have a feeling that Philip will be drowned in that 
boat some day. 

Kath. Nonsense! I never dream of such a thing. And you 
know Philip can swim like a fish. A carriage is coming. I do be¬ 
lieve it is Bob. Yes; there is old Skipper Rawson bowing to her. 


I 


MR. BOB. 9 

Just think of it, Aunt Becky, it is a whole year since we have seen 
one another ! 

Miss B. Well, I am glad for your sake. Don’t cut up too many 
pranks. A houseful of mischief-making girls and deserted cats 
would be too much chaos for an old lady. 

Kath. Here she is. 

(Enter Marion. Comes down c., followed by Jenkins, who carries 
bag and wraps j the girls meet and embrace.) 

Kath. Bob! 

Marion. Kitty ! (Jenkins at l. c. back.) 

Miss B. (at l. c., embracing Marion, c.). You are very wel¬ 
come, my dear. 

Mar. Thank you, Miss Becky. It is delightful to see you 
again. — 

Kath. Jenkins, take Miss Bryant’s wraps into her room. 

Jenk. (crosses to door , l. ; looks in). You mean this room, Miss 
Katherine? (Jenkins at l. ; Katherine, l. c. ; Marion, c. ; 
Aunt Becky, r. c.) 

Kath. (talking with Marion). Certainly. (Jenkins exit , l., 
shaking head.) You must be very tired. 

Mar. Just dead. 

Miss B. And hungry, of course ? 

Mar. (laughing). As a bear. (Jenkins enters fro}>i l.). 

Miss B. Jenkins, bring Miss Bryant a luncheon as soon as pos¬ 
sible. 

Jenk. Yes, Miss Becky. (Exit at r.) 

Miss B. I think I will attend to it myself: and that reminds 
me, Katherine, I have an errand which I had forgotten. I will re¬ 
turn presently. 

Kath. Very well, auntie ; I will take care of Bob. (Miss Becky 
exit; gh'ls seated upon couch.) You are just a treasure to come in 
time for the race! We will have no end of jolly larks. 

Mar. That will suit me perfectly. I haven’t had one since 
our college days, and I am just pining for some fun. 

Kath. (mysteriously). Then you need pine no more. The su¬ 
preme moment is at hand. 

Mar. How mysterious you are ! What is it? 

Kath. You know my Cousin Philip ? 

Mar. Never met him. Just dying for the pleasure. 

Kath. Then you will be saved from an early death. He is in 
this very house. 

Mar. I know that I must look like a perfect fright. Let me 
escape. (Makes for door , c.) 

Kath. (follows and brings her back). Nonsense, my dear 1 He 
is safe in his den at present, studying. He thinks that my friend 
Bob is a man. Calls you my “ manly ideal,” and has nicknamed 
vo! “Mr Bob,” 

0 


IO 


MR. BOB. 


Mar. Then he thinks that I am a man ? 

Kath. ( girls laugh heartily through the dialogue. Marion, r. 
c.; Katherine, l. c.). Yes. 

Mar. What sport ! How have you arranged it? 

Kath. (leads her to door , L.). “ Dost like the picture ? ” 

Mar. (at l. c. ; Katherine at r. c.) . What an array of pipes 
and tennis-rackets ! I don’t understand. 

Kath. I asked him to make your room cosey with some of his 
treasures, and that is the result. 

Mar. What a schemer you are, Kitty! 

Kath. He is to treat you in an off-hand manner; knock upon 
your door as they do at college, and say (imitates mail's voice ), 
“ Hallo, old man ! how are you ? ” 

Mar. I shall be speechless with laughter . (Noisei) 

Kath. (at door , c.). He is coming now. 

Mar. Then I will fly, and be ready for the fray. (Exit, laugh¬ 
ing .) 

Kath. The plot thickens. My little boat is surely launched. I 
hope it won’t be capsized. (At l. c.) 

(Enter Philip, c.). 

Philip. Hallo ! You here ? 

Kath. Yes; Bob has arrived. 

Phil. Oh, he has! That accounts for your radiant face. I 
say, Kitty, make a bold confession ; do you love this Mr.Bob ? 

Kath. Dearly. 

Phil. Well, I hope he is worthy of you. I shall view him with 
a critic's eye. He had better be upon his good behavior. That 
reminds me. I had a letter from my old collegl chum, Ned Saun¬ 
ders. He may appear at any time ; and if I should be out when he 
arrives, just make him at home. A fine fellow; I know you will 
like him. 

Kath. You may be sure, Philip, your friends will always be 
welcome. 

Phil. (r. c. ; Katherine, l. c.). Thanks. I will treat Mr. Bob 
well; don’t you worry. (Laughingi) And if you should be in 
need of a topic of conversation, just ask Saunders to tell you about 
a little flirtation of mine while at college. 

Kath. I shall find out all your secrets. I must make one final 
search for the missing papers, and will leave Bob in your care. 
(Exit r.) 

Phil, (at R.; gradually crosses to l.). I don’t much care for 
this sort of business. Playing the agreeable to a strange man. I 
suppose he is six feet two, has the strength of a giant, and the 
voice of an orator. Must be, for such a fine girl as Kitty to be in 
love with him. (Goes to door . turns , and comes down stage again.) 
Haven’t as much sand as I had once. It's Kitty's friend, and she 
loves him. (Crosses to door , l.) Perhaps I had better knock. 


MR. BOB. I I 

It wouldn’t be quite so abrupt. No; he is such a hearty fellow 
himself, I will be cordial. ( Pounds upon door; speaks.) “ Hallo, 
old man ! how are you? ” (JVo response.) I wonder if he is deaf? 
Perhaps he is taking a nap. {Delighted.) By Jove! happy 
thought! It would be a pity to disturb him. I will tell that to 
Kitty. ( Thinks a moment.) Now, I am not sure he is asleep. 
Kitty will say I wanted to crawl. I hope Mr. Bob won't find those 
cigars too strong for him. It was rather expensive hospitality I 
showered upon him ; but it was all for love of Kitty. {Repeats 
business of knocking at door.) 

Mar. Did any one speak ? 

Phil. ( staggers back). For heaven’s sake ! What a voice for a 
man ! He’s effeminate, I know. And Kitty calls him Bob ! Flos¬ 
sie would he a better name for him. {Starts for door.) No; I 
can’t meet the owner of that voice, and treat him well. I will 
make some excuse to Kitty, and be formally introduced. He must 
have weak lungs. That bottle of emulsion in my room will suit 
his case exactly. Gad, he shall have it! {Rushes out of door , c.) 

{Enter Patty, l., with valise.) 

Pat. Won’t this bag be just beautiful for my wardrobes when I 
goes on the stage? {Sighs.) But, dear me, that is such a long 
way off! I wonder what I can do with it while I am waiting. 

(Marion opens door cautiouslyj looks out.) 

Mar. No one here. 

Pat. {aside). Well, I likes that, and me as hopes to be in the 
ballet some day. {To Marion.) 1 hopes I’m somebody, ma’am. 

Mar. {enters laughing). Oh, I meant a young man. 

Pat. Do you mean Mr. Philip? I met him on the stairs. He 
was running like mad. Somebody must have given him an awful 
fright. 

Mar. (c.). I think very likely. Where is Miss Katherine? 

Pat. (l.). In the turret room. And she said for me to tell you 
to come up there. She’s busy a-hunting for papers. 

Mar. All right. I know where to find her. {Aside.) It must 
have been my voice which frightened the young man. He will 
think that “ Mr. Bob ” is a weak specimen of humanity. {Exit C-, 
laughing.) 

Pat. ^ Ain’t she just a beauty ! My eyes ! Wouldn’t she make a 
good dancer. {Looks at bag.) I might give this bag to Jenkins, 
but then he is so mean about signing that paper, he don’t deserve 
a thing. I'd like to play some joke on him. {Sits upon couch.) 
Let me see. I know, I’ll put two of the blackest cats into this, and 
make him a present of them. {Takes penknife from table and cuts 
holes in bag.) That will keep the beauties from smothering. Won't 
Jenkins be crazy. He’ll wish he had signed that paper. When 1 


12 


MR. BOB. 


gets into the ballet, I won’t be carrying bags like this. No, in¬ 
deed ! ( Walks to back of stage ; stands at side of door C. ; assumes 

commanding air and holds out bag. Mr. Brown, a very modest 
and retiring young man , with weak voice , appears at door c.) 1 

shall say, “ Jenkins, take my bag.” (Brown is very much aston¬ 
ished'.) Do you hear? Take my bag., 

Brown (r. c. ; takes bag). Certainly. I came down— (Patty 
screams , and Brown drops bag.) 

Pat. (l. c. ; discovers Brown; makes low courtesy). I begs 
your pardon, sir, I was only acting. {Picks up bag.) 

Br. Is Miss Luke at home? 

Pat. (aside). My eyes! Ain't he a stunner. He must be a 
duke. (Bows profoundly.) Enter, my lord ; she is. 

Br. (enters). Will you kindly tell her that Mr. Brown would 
like to see her? 

Pat. (drops bag , rushes to Brown, and catches him by arm). 
Sh! sh! 

Br. What is the matter ? 

Pat. (with finger on lip , tip-toes to the different doors , listens, 
then returns to Brown). You must not breathe your name here. 

Br. (nervously). Why not ? Anything wrong about my name? 

Pat. Oh, no, sir. Only Miss Becky said as how when you 
came we was to keep it dark. 

Br. Well, I must-say that if she instructed you to keep me in 
the dark as well, you have succeeded beautifully. 

Pat. I won’t be a minute, sir, and if any one happens in while 
I am gone, you just keep mum about your name. (Exit c., with 
finger on lips ; takes bag.) 

Br. (looking after her). What a strange-acting creature. 
(Nervously.) I hope she isn’t crazy. Now, why shouldn’t I 
breathe the name of Brown, if I wish to. Nothing out about 
Brown. Deuced queer! (Looks about room and out of door c.) 
There, she has gone without my card. (Reads from card.) “ Mr. 
Robert Brown, with Benson & Benson, Solicitors.” That sounds 
all right. Perfectly legitimate business. (Takes paper from 
pocket.) The missing codicil. (Replaces paper in pocket.) 
Nothing to keep dark about. This is such a quiet, lovely spot, 
away from the seething whirl of the city. I should like to rest my 
weary head here for a few days. 

(Enter Jenkins, l.) 

Br. (l. c. ; aside). Perhaps I can succeed better with this 
servant. You see, I came down to see Miss Luke. Will you 
please give her this card ? I am Mr. Brown. 

Jenk. Sh ! Sh ! Don’t breathe the name of Brown here. 

Br. (aside). Here is another lunatic. (Takes Jenkins by arm 
and brings him down front.) Sh ! Why not? 

Jenk. (repeats Patty’s business of listening at doors. Brown 
follows Jenkins about; Jenkins grasps Brown's arm and brings 


MR. BOD. 


13 


him down fro tit; Brown drops umbrella j Jenkins it up). 

You are expected, sir; but we must keep it dark. 

Br. More darkness. I shall be a total eclipse. 

Jenk. Miss Luke has stepped out, sir, but will be back directly. 
If any one comes in, will you please say as 'ow your name ain’t 
Brown ? 

Br. No, sir. I object. If you are ashamed of the name of 
Brown, I am not. 

Jenk. Oh, it isn't that, sir. Miss Luke has arranged it all. 

Br. Oh, she has. Please give her my compliments and tell her 
I am much obliged. 

Jenk. Please make yourself at’ome, sir. (. Places finger on 
lips.) Sh ! ( Exit C.) 

Br. This is the most peculiar spot I have ever visited. There 
seems to be such an aversion to the name of Brown. I wonder 
why. ( Crosses to mantelj looks at several photographs.) 

(Enter Philip, c., with bottle of medicine .) 

Phil, (sees Brown). That must be Mr. Bob now. I’ll do 
him up in fine style. (Crosses to Brown; slaps him upon 
shoulder.) How are you, old man ? 

Br. ( astonished , drops photographs). Oh, how d’ye do. (Busi¬ 
ness of Brown and Philip picking up pictures .) 

Phil. I beg your pardon. I did not mean to be so abrupt. 
(Grasps his hand j shakes it violently.) So glad to see you. 

Br. Thank you. I came down — 

Phil. Oh, yes ! I know all about it. Came down to see Kitty. 
(Slaps him upon back.) Ha, ha! I know all about youi fliitation, 
Mr. Bob. 

Br. (astonished). “Mr. Bob!” # 

Phil. Yes, ves ; sit down and tell me all about it. (Pushes 

Brown into chair.) 

Br. (rises ; puts hand in pocket). \es; but, you see, I came 

down — . 1 * a 

Phil, (pushes him down again). Yes, yes; I understand. 

Br. (aside). It’s deuced queer. I don’t. 

Phil. Kitty has told me all about you. \ou are a lucky man. 
She is very fond of you. 

Br. (rises). Fond of me ? 

Phil. Yes : and you are in love with her, I fancy. 

Br. (astonished). Oh, yes — yes— . 

Phil. Heavens, man! You are, of course . (Aside.) 1 wonder 

if I have put mv foot in it ? 

Br. You see, I came down — 

(Enter Jenkins with tray.) 

Phil. What are you doing with that, Jenkins? 

Jenk. 1 am taking it to that room, sir. (Crosses to door , l.) 


MR. BOB. 


H 

Phil. It is not necessary. The young man is here. 

Jenk. This is for Miss Katherine’s guest. 

Phil. Don’t you suppose I know it ? You may serve it here. 
(Jenkins places tray upon table .) 

Jenk. But, Miss Katherine — 

Phil. That will/lo, Jenkins. I understand what I am doing 
perfectly. 

Jenk. Yes, sir. ( Catches Brown’s eye; places finger upon 
lips ; exit l., laughing.) 

Phil. Here is your luncheon. Sit down and enjoy it. By the 
way, I am something of a physician, and feel very much interested 
in the condition of your health. ( Listens to Brown's breathing 
with a stethoscope.) 

Br. Only fancy ! He thinks I’m a phonographer. 

Phil. ( taps back of lung; Brown very much astonished). 
Slight congestion. I have an excellent remedy for just your sym- 
toms. ( lakes spoon from tray ; pours medicine into it.) Excuse 
my familiarity, but it is all for Kitty’s sake, my dear boy. (Aside.) 
He is the weakest specimen of a manly ideal that I have met yet. 

Br. But, my dear sir, I don't understand. You see, I came 
down — 

Phil. Of course, — to see Kitty. Now take this to please 
Kitty. 

Br. (aside). Who the devil is Kitty? (Aloud.) Must I take it 
all at once ? 

Phil. Yes. Think of the pleasure of being with Kitty, and 
you won’t mind it a bit. 

Br. (aside). This man must be crazy. Suppose I had better 
humor him. 

Phil. Now, then, down with it — one, two, three. 

Br. (takes medicine; makes wry face). This isn't such a quiet 
place after all. 

Phil. Now, you can enjoy your luncheon. (Brown eats.) You 
have arrived just in time ; the yacht race comes off this afternoon. 
Kitty tells me that you know all about a boat. I shall be delighted 
to avail myself of your assistance. 

Br. (stops eating). Yacht race! 

Phil. Yes; a fresh wind is blowing. It will be fine. (Goes to 
door , c.) 

Br. (rises; aside). I can’t stay in a boat; it makes me frightfully 
ill. It annoys me to ride in the swan boats in the park. I must get 
out of this. (Aloud; speaks emphatically .) My dear sir, you see 
I came down — 

(Jenkins e titers, takes tray from table; exit , eying Brown.) 

Phil, (at c., back). Yes, yes ; I understand. ( Brown endeavors 

to speak through this speech.) Come out and try it a little. I tell 

you what. I will go down and get everything ready, and you wait 

and see Kitty. I will send Jenkins tor you. Did vou find the 

* * 


V 


MR. BOB. 


15 


cigars all right in your room? Plenty of them. Help yourself, my 
dear fellow. (Exit.) 

Br. ( stands looking after him). That man will have me sea¬ 
sick in five minutes. I grow pale at the sight of the water. No, 
no; I must object, decidedly. Who is Kitty? Evidently, 1 am 
expected to be madly in love with her. Who am I anyway? 
“Mr. Bob, 11 Kitty's friend. It is mighty queer, when I came 
down — 

(Enter Marion, c.) 

Mar. (r. c. ; Brown, l. c. Sees Brown; aside). There is Mr. 
Philip now. (Aloud; laughs.) I am afraid I enjoyed that little 
joke more than you did, Mr. Royson. My voice seemed to 
frighten you. 

Br. (aside). Mr. Royson! This must be Kitty. She is fond 
of me. I will smile upon her. (Smiles; aloud.) You see 1 came 
down — 

Mar. Yes; I know. Interested in the race. Kitty has told 
me what a fine yachtsman you are. 

Br. (aside). Then this isn’t Kitty. I won't smile. (Aloud.) 
Kitty — oh, yes ! 

Mar. I am just wild to see the race. You will win, of course. 

Br. Oh, yes, of course ! (Aside.) And I thought this such a 
quiet place ! 

(Enter Katherine.) 

Kath. Making friends with Philip? (Sees Brown.) Why, 
this must be Philip’s friend, Mr. Saunders. (Business of shaking 
hands.) 

Br. (aside). “Mr. Saunders!” 

Mar. (confused). I beg your pardon. I thought that I was 
speaking to Mr. Royson. 

Br. (aside). “Mr. Saunders!” This is pleasant. It will be 
Mr. President next. 

Kath. Philip told me that vou might appear at any moment. 
Miss Bryant, let me introduce Philip’s friend, Mr. Saunders. Of 
course you must be very hungry. The journey from town is so 
tiresome. You have arrived just in time to have luncheon with 
Miss Bryant. 

Br. Oh, no! Don’t trouble. You see, I came down — 

Kath. For the yacht race. It will be just glorious. 

(Enter Jenkins, r.) 

Katii. You may serve luncheon for two, Jenkins. 

Jenk. (at l. c.; Katherine, l. ; Brown, r. c. ; Marion, r.). 
A luncheon? I begs your pardon, Miss Katherine. 

Kath. A luncheon. That is what I said. 

Jenk. But, Miss Katherine, I brought it once. 

Kath. Never mind. Bring it again. We are ready now. 


16 


MR. BOB. 


(Jenkins exchanges glances with Brown, and exit.) Philip has 
told me all about you, Mr. Saunders. I am his Cousin Kitty. 
( All seated.) 

Br. (seated at r. ; Marion, c. of table; Katherine, l. of 
table). 1 am delighted to meet you, Miss Kitty. I also have heard 
all about you, and of your warm attachment. 

' Mar. Kitty, are you in love? And are you keeping it from me? 

KaTh. Indeed I am not. What do you mean, Mr. Saunders? 

Br. (aside). I might just as well tell a good story while I am 
about it. (Aloud.) The man whom you love so dearly was rather 
surprised at first to learn of his good fortune, but as the idea grows 
upon him, he rather likes it. (Aside.) I have made up my mind 
that these persons are all lunatics, and that I had better humor 
them. 

Kath. Will you please tell me how you received such valuable 
information ? 

Br. Certainly. From Philip, of course. (Aside.) That is one 
on Mr. Philip. 

Kath. Well I never! Some of Philip’s nonsense ; yet it doesn’t 
seem a bit like him. 

(Enter Jenkins with luncheon : places it upon table, and exit.) 

Kath. Here is the luncheon. You must be very hungry. 

Br. (aside). If I keep this up, I shall not care for anything else 
to eat for ten days. (All seated at table.) 

Kath. Don’t wait, Mr. Saunders. Philip has told me you were 
very fond of good things to eat. 

Br. Oh, yes ; Philip and I were always having spreads. 

Kath. College men become such warm friends. You and 
Philip are so devoted to one another. 

Br. Yes — yes. Quite an unusual friendship. 

Mar. Tell us about some of vour larks. 

J 

Kath. Oh, yes! Philip said you would tell us all about his little 
flirtation. — 

Br. Flirtation? (Aside.) I will try bluff again. (Laughs.) 
Oh , yes ! Pretty good joke on Philip. He fell in love. 

Kath. Fell in love? Oh ! do tell us all about it. 

Mar. Yes ; do go on. 

Br. That is, he thought that he did. 

Kath. Well. 

Br. She was a waitress at the house where we boarded. By 
Jove! She was a beauty too. Philip completely lost his head, 
and he would talk of her by the hour. We had some pretty warm 
discussions. I declared that I had a cousin ten times prettier. 
Philip said that his cousin couldn’t hold a candle to her. 

Kath. (rises, indignant'). Oh. she couldn’t! 

Br. (laughing). And the joke of it all was, that the prettv 
waitress turned out to be the head waiter’s wife. (Laughs.) 

Kath. (sarcastically.) Ha, ha! A very good joke. I’ll pay 
Philip for that, — comparing my face with that of a waitress, 


MR. BOB. 17 

Br. (, aside ). Pretty good game of bluff. I think that Mr. 
Philip and I are even on that medicine question. 

(Enter Jenkins ; goes to l. c.) 

Jenk. Mr. Philip is ready. He would like to have the gentle¬ 
man come to the boat-house. 

Mar. (l. c., to Brown). You will take us out sailing, won’t 
you? The water is just glorious. 

(Jenkins exit with tray.) 

Kath. We shall make you very useful. 

Br. ( aside , in despair). Make me very sea-sick. 

Mar. We shall have a chance to watch your skill. 

Br. I don't like to leave you, ladies. ( Hand in pocket.) You 
see, I came down — 

Kath. We appreciate your gallantry, but we would not deprive 
you of the pleasure of sailing. 

Br. (aside). The pleasure won’t be mine. 

Mar. (l. c.). We shall be with you all the afternoon. 

Br. (c.). Where? 

Kath. (l. c.). Upon the water, of course. 

Br. Oh, yes! (At door , c.) Good-by, ladies. (Co?nes back , 
takes Katherine and Marion by arm , leads them down front.) 
I am so glad that I came down. (Exit.) • 

Kath. He does ‘not seem a bit like any of Philip's friends 
whom I have met. 

Mar. Not a very brilliant man. 

Kath. Mr. Saunders, of course, would not come down here and 
tell anything which was not true, but that story of Philip’s flirtation 
seems hard to believe. I can’t believe Philip would compare my 
face with that of any waitress. 

Mar. Well, if he would, I don’t care to know him. 

(Enter Patty, l.) 

Pat. If you please, Miss Katherine, will you come to the 
kitchen ? The cats are a-fighting each other. 

Mar. What cats, Kitty ? 

Kath. Why, Aunt Becky is so interested in cats, she has them 
on the brain. 

(Exeunt Katherine and Marion.) 

Pat. (l.) “Cats on the brain!” Well, I never! I do believe 
those cats would walk in anywhere. 

(Enter Jenkins.) 

Pat. O Jenkins, what do you think ? Everything is nil mixed 
up. When I comes back to find Mr. Brown, and to tell him that 
Miss Becky was not at home, 1 heard the young ladies a-talk- 


MR. BOB. 


I 8 

ing to him, and they called him Mr. Saunders. And Mr. Brown 
looked as though lie didn't know who he was himself. 

Jenk. And 1 heard Mr. Philip call him Mr. Bob. As long as 
they think he belongs to those names, Miss Becky is all right. 

Pat. Dear me ! 1 haven't danced for five minutes! ( Dances 

about stage; Jenkins looks at her admiringly .) 

Jenk. You knows just how, don’t you, Patty ? 

Pat. Yes; and you ought to dance with me. ( Arms about 
Jenkins, who is very dignified and dances awkwardly .) 

Jenk. Bless me, Patty ! You make me lose my breath. 

Pat. All right, Mr. Jenkins. I know some one what would 
like to dance with me. 

Jenk. Well, you see, Patty, I was a younger man once. 

Pat. Then I will find a man what is vounger now. Farewell, 
my ancient Jenkins. (. Dances off stage, c.) 

Jenk. Wait, Patty. ( Goes to door, c.) There she goes — and 
now she is dancing with James. O fickle Patty! You keep my 
’eart a-dancing. ( Takes book from pocket .) I will study my part 
of Romeo. That will make her pleasant again. (. Stands reading 
book at R. front.) 

{Enter Miss Becky, c. ; wears bonnet and wrap.) 

Miss B. There! I was not gone very long. {Sees Jenkins.) 
Jenkins, what are you doing? 

Jenk. 1 begs your pardon. 1 was studying to be a Romeo. 

Miss B. Studying to be what ? 

Jenk. {confused) . 1 means— I was reading Shakespeare. 

Miss B. (c.). Tell Miss Katherine that I wish to see her. 
(Jenkins exit, c.) And Jenkins is interested in the drama as well 
as Patty. The next event will be the appearance of my dignified 
butler dancing the ballet. Of course Mr. Brown has not arrived, 
or Jenkins would have spoken of it. {At door, c.) They are pre¬ 
paring for the race. It will be a beaytiful sight; yet I do wish 
Philip would not sail in the race to-day. I have a strong feeling 
that something will happen. 

{Enter Philip, whistling.) 

Phil. I wonder where the cushions are that belong to my boat. 
Have you seen them, Aunt Becky? 

Miss B. Yes, in the boat-house this morning. 

Phil. Can’t find them anywhere. This is a great day for the 
race. There is a jolly breeze stirring, and my boat is sure to win. 

Miss B. {wipes eyes). Philip, I feel sure that something will 
happen. 

Phil. I surely hope something will — the race. 

Miss B. I mean an accident. 

Phil, {arm around Miss Becky). Why, Aunt Becky! Shed¬ 
ding tears for me ? Such a good-for-nothing chap ? 

Miss B. Please do not sail that boat to-day. 


V 


MR. ROB. 


19 


Phil. Oh, but I must. It would break my heart to be out of 
the sport. 

Miss B. It would break my heart to lose you. 

Phil. I don't like to make you feel badly; but you are asking 
a.great deal. 

Miss B. I know it. Ask something of me. I would give up 
anything for you. 

Phil. Aunt Becky, look me straight in the eye. If I will give 
up the race, will you give up the cats ? 

Miss B. (hesitates') . Yes, Philip, I will. 

Phil. Then the compact is sealed. ( Kisses her.) I would 
give up fifty races to see you sensible again. 

Miss B. How will you arrange it ? 

Phil, (thinks). Let me see. I must make some excuse to 
Kitty. I have it. A sudden call to town. Urgent business. 
Your lawyers, Benson & Benson. I will write Kitty a note. 

Miss B. And I will tell Jenkins to pack your grip. 

Phil. Tell him to pack it at once. I shall start immediately. 
(Miss Becky exit, c.) It is good-by yachting. But anything to 
stop this fad of Aunt Becky’s. She would squander all her money. 
Mr. Bob is the greatest chump that has crossed my path yet. 
Kitty must be. in need of friends to admire the fellow so much. 
Talk about sand! He hasn't a grain of it. All bluff about his 
knowing how to sail a boat. He was as white as a sheet at the sight 
of the water. Said that he did not care to sail, and I left him lying 
upon the sand by the boat-house. He wanted to rest a little he 
said. I did get him into the tender for about five minutes. (Sits 
at table; writes letter.) There ! That will do. I am sorry to dis¬ 
appoint Kitty. {Laughs.) Just for fun, I will tell her to ask Mr. 
Bob to sail the boat. He is such a glorious specimen of a man. 
He will be sure to win. (Rises and leaves note upon table.) Think 
I will have a couple of my cigars to comfort me on the way. 
(Exit into room , L.) 

(Enter Patty, r., with valise.) 

Patty. It’s two lovely ones I have in this bag. Jenkins shall 
have them with my compliments. ( Crosses to r. front.) 

(Enter Philip from l., and crosses to l. front with pair of curl¬ 
ing-tongs. ) 

Phil. That man had better curl up once more and die. (Holds 
up tow's.) These settle him. Bah ! (Throws them out of door , 
c.) Ah, Patty! My valise all ready? Y~ou are a jewel. I have 
left a note for Miss Katherine upon the table. (Attempts to take 
valise from Patty.) 

Pat. If you please, it's mine, sir. 

Phil. Nonsense, girl ! Don't you suppose that I know my own 
grip? 

Pat. If you please. Miss Katherine — 


20 


MR. BOH. 


Phil. ( takes it from her). Don't delay me. Time is precious. 
{Exit.) 

Pat. Lor . f It's the two cats he has with him. ( Laughs heartily.) 

{Enter Jenkins, c., with valise.) 

Jenk. (c.). Where is Mr. Philip? His grip is ready. 

Pat. (l.). His grip? I think he took it with him. I thought I 
had muscle, but he must have a whole armful. O Jenkins ! 
what do you think has happened now ? I put two cats into the bag 
that Mr. Philip has taken with him. {Laughs; both cojne down.) 

Jenk. Well, I never ! 1 suppose it is beneath the dignity of a 

Jenkins to laugh, but I can’t help it. {Both seated 'upon couch 
laughing when Katherine and Marion enter, c.) 

Kath. (l. c. ; Marion, l.). What are you both laughing at? 

Pat. (l. c.). You remember the small trunk with two handles 
you gave me? 

Kath. You mean the valise? 

Pat. Yes, Miss Katherine. I put two black cats into it. 

Kath. Patty, what did you do that for? 

Jenk. And Mr. Philip thought it was his grip, and has gone 
with it. 

Kath. Gone? Where? 

Pat. He left a note on the table for you. 

Kath. {opens note). He has gone to town on business. Oh, 
dear ! What a shame ! He won’t sail in the race. 

Jenk. Here is the grip I packed for him. 

Mar. {laughs). It will be lively music when the cats begin to sing. 

Kath. What shall we do? {Goes to door c.) Here is Mr. 
Saunders. Perhaps he will take it to him. Order another carriage 
for Mr. Saunders, Jenkins. (Jenkins exit l.) ' 

{Enter Brown, c. ; looks very pale; sinks upon a couch.)- 

Kath. You are just in time, Mr. Saunders. 

Br. I hope it isn’t another luncheon. 

Kath. A mistake has been made. Philip has taken the wrong 
bag. Will you take his to the station? 

Br. But I feel so ill. 

Kath. You shall have a remedy. 

Br. Oh, no, thank you. I have had one already. 

Kath. No trouble, I assure you; I won’t be a moment. {Exit R.) 

Br. {aside). A chance to escape. {Makes for door , c.) 

Mar. {comes to l. ; holds up bad). Here is the bag. 

Bit. Oh, yes; I forgot it. 

Pat. Will you bring back the cats, sir ? 

Br. Oh, yes; cats, grip, Mr. Philip, everything but myself. 

{Exit.) 

{Enter Miss Becky, r.) 

Miss B. What is all this commotion? 

Mar. Your nephew has made a mistake, and has taken the 
wrong bag. 


MR. BOB. 


21 


N 


(Enter Katherine with glass, r.) 

Kath. (c.). Where is Mr. Saunders? 

Miss B. Is Mr. Saunders here? 

Mar. Yes. He has gone after Mr. Philip with the bag. 

Kath. (at door c.). There he is now. How fast he is running! 
Miss B. (at door c.). That man is not Mr. Saunders. 

Kath. (both girls grasp her arm ; all come down stage). Why, 
Aunt Becky ! 

Miss B. Mr. Saunders is very large and very dark. Did Philip 
introduce you ? 

Kath. (girls exchange glances). Why, no. Philip told me that 
his friend might arrive at any moment, and if he should be out, 
asked me to entertain him. I thought he behaved very strangely. 
Mar. He must be an impostor. 

Kath. He has Philip’s valise. What shall we do? 

Miss B. Find Jenkins, and send him after the man. 

Mar. Yes. I will go. (Exit l.) 

Miss B. How could you have been so imprudent, Katherine? 
Kath. (at door c.). Bob has found Jenkins. He is running 
after the man. The man turns, sees Jenkins, — is running faster. 
Those poor cats ! 

Pat. (l.). Sh ! 

Miss B. What cats? 

Kath. (l.). Philip has taken two by mistake. 

Miss B. What! (Sinks into chair.) 

Pat. O ma’am, I hopes you wjll forgive me. I am the guilty 
one. 

Kath. Jenkins is gaining on him. Now he has caught him. 
They are coming back. 

Miss B. What a narrow escape ! (Enter Marion, l.) 

Mar. The poor man looks a wreck of his former self. 

Kath. Only think of the stories he told. 

Mar. (l. c., looking off c.). Here they are. 

Miss B. (l. c.). I wonder who this impostor is? 

Pat. (l. c. ; loud whisper). Sh ! It’s your Mr. Brown. 

Miss B. (holds up hands in horror). Oh ! 

(Brown and Jenktns appear at door , c. ; Jenkins has Brown by 
arm , valise in other hand; Brown presents a very dilapidated 
appearance.) 

Kath. (l. c.; sternly). So, sir, you have deceived us. 

Br. My dear ladies, I came down — 

TABLEAU. 

(Miss Becky in chair , r. ; Patty stands behind her; J enkins and 
Brown at entrance, c. ; Marion and Katherine at l. of stage ; 
Katherine’s hand raised to silence Brown. Quick curtain.) 


22 


MR. BOB. 


ACT II. 

Scene. — Same as in Act I. j time , afternoon. Patty discovered 

seated upo)i step ladder near fireplace , reading a book and ges¬ 
ticulating with feather duster. 

Patty (reads). 

“ O Romeo, Romeo ! Wherefore art thou Romeo? 

Deny thy father, and refuse thy name; 

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, 

And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.” 

(Speaks.) Ain’t that just beautiful? How lovely to be a Juliet, 
and have a Romeo what wants to say he ain't got no father and no 
name, and swears to love you always and forever! My eyes ! that 
would be sweet living, that would. (Sighs.) I wish I could find 
some one like that. (Leans head upon hand and thinks a mo¬ 
ment.) I wonder if Mr. Brown is anybody’s Romeo? (Laughs.) 
Poor man, they have put him into that room (points to door, R.), 
and Miss Becky is just dying for a chance to speak with him, but 
she is afraid Miss Katherine will find it out. 1 expect when Mr. 
Philip comes back with those cats there will be a cyclone a-blowing 
through this house, and lor! won’t I be in it? If it does come, I’ll 
give them Mr. Macbeth’s great dagger scene. My ! ain't it thrilling. 
It just makes me afraid to go to bed nights. (Opens book.) I do 
likes Mr. Shakespeare’s writings. (While reading the following , 
Jenkins enters, c., sees Patty, and steals uf behind her, intending 
to surprise her; he stands at her left , within reach of her hand. 
Patty makes gestures without raising eyes from book.) “ Is this 
a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Come, 
let me clutch thee.” (Grasps Jenkins’s hair.) “ I have thee not, 
and vet I see thee still.” 

Jenkins. You has got me, Patty. For ’eaven’s sake let go ! 

Pat. (startled). Lor! Jenkins, how you frightened me! I 
thought as how Mr. Macbeth had come to life. I wish you would 
let me have a few minutes’ peace, Jenkins. I can't move but you 
are a-looking at me. Now, if you only had some sense, like Mr. 
Shakespeare’s Romeo. 

Jenk. What does Mr. Romeo do, Patty? 

Pat. Oh, he climbs ladders to see Juliet, and wishes he was a 
glove on her hand, and all that sort of thing. 

Jenk. Well, Patty, the next time you clutches my ’air, I ’opes 
as ’ow you will ’ave a glove on your ’and. (Rubs head.) I ain’t 
no Romeo, but I wishes that. 

Pat. Oh, that was love, Jenkins. 

Jenk. ( delighted ). Love, Patty! Love for me? 

Pat. No, you stupid! (Rises and makes gestures.) Love for 
the dramatic art. 


MR. BOB. 


23 




Jenk. (excited). Whose’eart, Patty? (Takes off coat and rolls 
up sleeve.) Show me the man what ’as a dramatic ’eart, and he shall 
die by the hand, — and if I does say it, it’s true, the noble hand of 
a Jenkins. 

Pat. (applauds and jumps from ladder). Good, Jenkins! 
That was grand. You are a-getting on famously. If you keeps up 
like this, you will be the man yourself. (Jenkins pleased.) Bring 
the steps to the pantry and I will show you how to act Romeo. 
(At door R.) Come on, my noble Jenkins. (Exit laughing.) 

Jenk. (carries stejs to door , R.). I object to any name but Jen¬ 
kins, but to please Patty, I suppose I must be a Romeo. (Exit with 
steps r.) 

(Enter Katherine, c.) 

Katherine. This promises to be an interesting day. Philip 
unable to sail in the race. Bob, I might say, under false pretences, 
and a strange man, an impostor, lurking about the house. What a 
narrow escape ! Think of asking him to take us sailing, and then 
sitting down to luncheon, calling him Mr. Saunders ! And that 
story he made up about Philip’s flirtation. He is clever, if he is a 
thief. Dear me ! 1 do wish Philip would return. (Takes note from 
table; reads it.) 

(Enter Marion, dressed in yachting-costume.) 

Marion. What are you doing, Kitty? 

Kath. Reading Philip’s note. 

Mar. (looks over her shoulder). What does he say? 

Kath. (reads note). 


Dear Kitty, — Business calls me to town at once. Sorry to disappoint you 
about the race. Perhaps Mr. Bob will sail the boat. He is such a star specimen 
of a yachtsman, he will take the club by storm. 

Yours, 


Philip. 


(Speaks.) Now, if you were really and truly Mr. Bob, you might 
win the race. 

Mar. (sits at table; leans head upon hand). Oh, dear! if I 
only were. It is so stupid to be a girl. 

Kath. If that Mr. Brown had only been some one nice, what 
fun we could have had. (Sits opposite Marion / she assumes same 
Position; both very dejected; sighs.) Oh, dear! 

Mar. (sighs). I call it hard luck. 

Kath. (sighs). It will break my heart to have Philip's boat out 
of the race. 

Mar. (r .of table; rises , stands with both hands leaning upon 
table , looks at Katherine). Kitty, I have an idea. 

Kath. (l. of table; assumes same position opposite). No ! have 
you really? 

Mar. (excited). You know, I have a brother Jack. 


24 


MR. BOB. 


Kath. {excited). Yes. 

Mar. And he has taught me how to sail a boat. 

Kath. No! Really? 

Mar. Yes ; as true as I am standing here. 

Kath. O Bob, do you think you could? 

Mar. Yes. 

Kath. (embraces her). You are an angel. 

Mar. If I can get Skipper Rawson to help me. 

Kath. He will, I know. 

Mar. ( at door , c.). Then, Kitty, you shall not be disappointed. 
Your cousin’s boat shall enter the race ( laughs) ; and who knows, 
“the star specimen of a yachtsman, Mr. Bob,” may win. Come 
on, Kitty, and help me find my skipper. {Exit.) 

Kath. Oh, if she only could ! {Exit.) 

(Brown opens door , r., slowly , with shoes in hand; looks about 

cautiously.) 

Brown. I wonder if the patients in this house are all asleep? 
{Noise outside; Brown drops shoe and disappears quickly; after a 
moment appears and enters.) This is the most extraordinary house¬ 
hold. I never stepped into a hornets’ nest that was livelier. I am 
so cold and feel so ill. Those few moments in the tender of the 
yacht finished me. {Looks about him nervously', starts as though 
he heard a noise; steps upon shoes.) I have a nervous chill. They 
sent me flying after that escaped lunatic Mr. Philip; then rushed 
after me and brought me back, and all the time the butler kept say¬ 
ing, “ Sh ! Don’t give it away that you are Brown.” Brown ! If I 
don't get myself out of this place soon, I shall be more than brown, 
done to a crisp. I wonder if I can escape. It is no use trying to 
tell these people who I really am. They couldn't understand, and 
wouldn't believe me. I am beginning to doubt if I really am what 
I am, myself. Some one is coming. I must escape. {Exit r.) 

{Enter Miss Becky, c ; she is very nervous, and looks about cau¬ 
tiously.) 

Miss Becky. Poor Mr. Brown ! I feel so sorry for him. I do 
not dare tell Katherine, and then my promise to Philip. I must 
get him out of the house before they discover his name. Oh, dear ! 
I will never have another secret as long as I live. {Crosses to door 
r. ; listens.) I can hear him walking about the room. {Knocks at 
door.) Mr. Brown ! 

Br. {puts head out of door). Yes, madam. {Aside.) Another 
lunatic. 

Miss B. {motions him to enter : places finder on lips). Sh ! 
Sh ! 

Br. {aside; enters). I wonder what that signal “ Sh ! ” 
means? 


MR. BOB. 


Miss B. {after listening at doors approaches Brown with finger 
on lips). Not a word that you are here. 

Br. It isn’t necessary. They all know it. 

Miss B. A thousand pardons for‘this treatment. It Avas a 
mistake. 

Br. I think it was, madam. A decided mistake. I insist upon 
telling you that my name is Brown. {Hath emphasis.) Brown! 
And that I came down with important papers. 

Miss B. \es, yes: I know it. ( Tries to keep him quiet.) 

Br. ( takes papers from pocket). These papers — 

Miss B. ( takes papers). Yes : they are the plans for the house. 
(Brown astonished.) 1 will lay them aside for the present. 
(Aside.) I must get him out of the house. (Aloud.) We won't 
use the papers until another time. 

Br. (aside). Not ‘'another time" forme. (Miss Becky l. : 
Brown, r.) 

Miss B. Come with me, and I will show you the rooms. (Miss 
Becky turns to c.) 

Br. Yes, my dear madam ; but I came down — (Broayn crosses 
to L.) 

Miss B. Yes: it will be all right. Don't worry about it. You 
must be very tired and hungry. Do let me order a luncheon for 
you. (Rings bell: comes dozen L. C.) 

Br. But, my dear madam — 

Miss B. Not a bit of trouble. I regret my mistake so much, 
you deserve a little hospitality. (Goes to door , c.) 

Br. (aside). If I were really a hungry man, this would be de¬ 
cidedly pleasant, luncheons served every five minutes. 

(Enter Jenkins: .Miss Becky comes down stage.) 

Miss B. Jenkins, this is Mr. Brown, the architect, whom I was 
expecting this morning. (Brown astonished.) I have explained 
evervthing to him. Bring him a luncheon at once, and ser\’e it in 
the arbor. 

Jenk. (astonished). Another luncheon. Miss Becky! Why, 
he has had two already. 

Miss B. (with dignity). If I should order fifty, it is your duty 
to serve them without any comments. 

Jenk. But. I say, ma'am — 

Miss B. That will do, Jenkins. (Jenkins exit with dignity. 
r.) While we are waiting, I will show you the rooms. 

Br. (aside). Scene second of this little comedy is rn improve¬ 
ment upon the first. I will be led to the slaughter of another 
luncheon willingly. (Aloud.) My dear madam, I follow you with 
pleasure. (Business at door l. ; Brown bows profoundly to Miss 
Becky ; both exeunt.) 

(Enter Philip, c., with travelling-bag , or. if practicable, a cat 

under each arm; walks up and dozen in an excited manner.) 


26 


MR. BOB. 


Philip. Pretty piece of business! I don’t object to Aunt 
Becky having her house full of cats, but I do object to having my 
property made alive with them. When I found myself in the cars, 
I threw my grip upon the rack above me, as usual. To my sur¬ 
prise, a chorus of cats was heard. Every one looked about and at 
one another, Finally I discovered that the noise proceeded from 
my bag. Upon opening it, two cats jumped forth! I am sorry 
for the one that played this little game on me. There will be suffi¬ 
cient gore to paint this town red. ( Throws cats out door , c.) 

(Enter Miss Becky, r. ; sees Philip; hides papers in pocket.) 

Miss B. Why, Philip, back again so soon? 

Phil. Yes ; my journey was interrupted. Found that my grip 
was packed with cats, instead of clothes. 

Miss B. What cruelty! Do you know who did it? 

Phil. No ; but I intend to find out. 

Miss B. What treatment for cats ! 

Phil. What treatment for me, 1 should say. 

Miss B. Did you go to town? 

Phil, {laughs). Oh, yes! In company with a man who 
walked up to me on the train, showed his badge, and tried to arrest 
me for cruelty to animals. A pleasant time I have had of it. I 
have lost everything, — the race, my temper, everything but those 
cats. They clung to me like grim death. 

Miss B. I am so sorry, Philip. 

Phil. So am I ; and there will be some one else regretting, 
when I find him. 

Miss B. You will be in time for the race. Kitty will think it 
strange if you do not enter your yacht. 

Phil. No, she won’t. Tell her the truth. No good ever comes 
of deception. 

Miss B. {nervous). Indeed, you are right. I will never have 
another secret. 

Phil. You have a secret, Aunt Becky? 

Miss B . {embarrassed). Oh, no — I — I — mean, it would 
make me so nervous to have one. 

Phil. Well, I am off to my den. Don’t let any one speak to 
me, and perhaps I shall cool down a bit. ( Exit , c.) - 

Miss B. {crosses to l., front). What can I do? Philip is so 
enraged about the cats, I shall not dare tell him about Mr. Brown, 
and that gentleman insists on seeing Philip. Says that he wishes 
to explain something. I cannot persuade him to leave the house. 
( At door, c.) Here comes Katherine. 1 must tell her, and per¬ 
haps she can help me. 

{Enter Katherine, c.) 

Kath. (l. c.). O Aunt Becky, such sport! Bob is to sail 
Philip’s boat. Why, how pale you look ! Are you ill? 

Miss B. Oh, no, my dear; but 1 am in such .trouble. 


MR. BOB. 27 

Kath. That horrid man is at the bottom of it. ( Goes to door, 
r.) Why, he has escaped ! 

Miss B. Katherine, I have a confession to make. That man 
was not an impostor. He is an architect, and came down to see 
me. 

Kath. {surprised) . To see you? 

Miss B. Yes. Before I promised Philip to give up my pet 
scheme, I had made an appointment with my architects to send a 
man down with plans of the house. 1 wished to keep this a secret 
from you and Philip, and gave Jenkins and Patty orders to that 
effect. f 

Kath. He must think that we are a household of lunatics. 
That little story of his about Philip was not true, then. This is a 
pleasant situation, 1 must admit. 

Miss B. He insists upon seeing Philip. 

Kath. Thank goodness ! Philip has gone to town. 

Miss B. But he has returned, my dear, and so enraged about 
the cats 1 haven’t the courage to tell him that Mr. Brown is here. 

Kath. What shall we do? {Rings bell.) We must prevent 
Philip discovering that this Mr. Brown has been here. This is 
more of a lark than I had bargained for. 

{Enter Patty, c:.) 

Patty {very dramatic). Who calls, my lady? 

Kath. This is not the time or place, Patty, to rehearse the 
drama. If you can help us out of our present difficulties you will 
have plenty of dramatic action. We are in trouble, and you must 
help us. 

Pat. In trouble, Miss Katherine? What can I do to help you? 
{Dramatically ; forgets herself.) You knows as how I am ready to 
die for you. 

Kath. Mr. Philip has returned, and is furious about the cats. 

Pat. Lor! miss, I just expects he is. 

Kath. And he would be very angry if he knew that Mr. Brown 
were here. You must keep them apart. 

Pat. I'll try to, Miss Katherine. 

Kath. I wish we could rind another name for him. 

Pat. I has it, Miss Katherine. I see Mr. Philip a-talking to 
Mr. Brown, and he called him Mr. Bob. 

Kath. Can it be possible that he has mistaken that man for my 
friend? {Laughs.) This is rich sport, indeed. Find Mr. Brown, 
Patty, and tell him that when he meets Mr. Philip he must be Mr. 
Bob. 

Miss B. Oh, dear! What confusion. 

Kath. {coming to l. c. : Patty takes 1 ..). Don’t worry. It will 
all come out beautifully. Come with me ; and we will leave Philip 
and Mr. Brown to Patty. (Miss Becky and Katherine to en¬ 
trance c.) 

Pat. {runs up stage). But, Miss Katherine — 


28 


MR. BOB. 


Kath. You are so fond of dramatic action, you shall have plenty 
this time. ( Both exeunt .) 

Pat. {stands looking after them). My eyes ! What shall I do? 
Mr. Philip will go off like fireworks when he sees me ; and Mr. 
Brown is so mixed with all the different names we've been a-giving 
him, that he'll blaze up like red fire if we ask him to be another 
man. Oh, dear! Where is Jenkins? He must help me someway. 
{Goes to door, c.) Here he comes now. [Calls softly.') “ Romeo, 
Romeo. 11 

{Enter Jenkins.) 

Jenk. I’m a-coming, Juliet. 

Pat. More trouble, Jenkins. We must find Mr. Brown and 
tell him to be somebody else. 

Jenk. Somebody else! I should say he ’ad been that already. 

Pat. But he must be so some more. Miss Katherine don't want 
Mr. Philip to know he is Mr. Brown. Do you see? And they 
wants him to be Mr. Bob. {At door, c.) Here he is. Be ready 
for him, Jenkins. I promised I'd help Miss Katherine, and I must. 

{Enter Brown. Jenkins, r., and Patty, l., stand on either side 

of the entrance, c., when Brown appears ; both take him by arm, 

and with fingers on lips lead him down stage.) 

Br. {first to Patty and then to Jenkins). Sh ! Sh! There! 
You didn’t get ahead of me that time. Think I know vour old sig- 
nal pretty well. Ha, ha! 

Pat. It’s another secret we has. sir. 

Br. More secrets ! Then please excuse me. {Runs for door, 
c. ; Jenkins and Patty bring him back; Jenkins catches him by 
coat. Brown shakes him off.) I wish it distinctly understood 
that I didn’t come down here to play tag. 

Jenk. It’s perfectly ’armless, sir. 

Pat. Miss Becky says as how you must change your name 
again. 

Br. More objections to Brown, has she? No ; I won’t do it. 

Pat. When Mr. Philip is in the room you is to be Mr. Bob. 

Br. So I will — Mr. Bob Brown. 

Jenk. Oh, no, sir : if you please, only plain Mr. Bob. 

Br. Any reflections upon my good looks, sir? 

Pat. Oh, no, sir; if every one had your good looks, sir — 
(Jenkins business of jealousy.) 

Br. Well, anything you like. Bring on your secrets and your 
names. Let me have them all. Don’t let any escape. 

Pat. Thank you, sir. Miss Becky will be very thankful. 

{Enter Philip, c ..from r.) 

Phil. Ah, Mr. Bob! Got over your ill turn by the water, have 
you ? 


MR. ROB. 


20 


Br. Oh, yes ; I am quite well now, thank you. ( Looks help¬ 
lessly at Jenkins and Patty, who place /layers on lips.) 

Phil. ( turns and sees Jenkins and Patty). Jenkins, who put 
those cats into my grip? 

Jenk. I never did, sir. 

Pat. If you please. Mr. Philip, it was me. I was planning a 
surprise for Jenkins. It wasn’t no joke on you, sir. 

Phil. Oh, it wasn’t? I beg to differ. * Don’t try such a thing 
again or you will be sorry. Bring me some coffee,* Jenkins ; and 
perhaps Mr. Bob will have some too. 

Br. My dear sir — 

Phil. No trouble at all. As soon as possible. (Jenkins and 
Patty exeunt.) Sit down, Mr. Bob, and let us have a chat together. 
( Fakes cigar from pocket ; offers one to Brown, who takes it reluc¬ 
tantly .) * 

Br. (aside). Never smoked a cigar in my life. (Lights it, 
smokes , and coughs.) 

Phil. Perhaps that cigar is too strong for you. 

Br. (in an offhand manner). Oh, no; not at all. This is my 
favorite brand. 

Phil, (seated, smoking; looks at Brown critically) . And you 
are Kitty’s friend ? 

Br. (o7ily puts cigar in mouth when Philip is looking). Yes; 
oh, yes. 

Phil. Do you know, you* are just opposite from what I thought 
you were. 

Br. Am I? (Aside.) I am beginning to think so myself. 

( Ente>' J enkins with coffee .) 

Phil. That’s right. Jenkins. Bring it here. (Jenkins serves 
coffee to Brown and Philip ; Brown hands cigar, lighted end first , 
^Jenkins. Jenkins business of being burned, then exit.) This 
is cosey. We can drink our coffee together and have a chat about 
Kitty. 

Br. If you will excuse me, I won’t indulge. 

Phil. Nonsense, old man! It will do you good. (Brown 
looks helpless, and takes it.) 

Br. (aside). If I do not humor him he may become violent. 
(Katherine appears at door, c. ; is very much amused to see 
Brown and Philip together ; listens to conversation.) 

Phil. Ah, Mr. Bob, vou are a lucky fellow to have a girl like 
Kitty fond of you. When did you two meet one another ? 

Br. This morning. (Philip looks at him.) I mean, only a 
short time ago. 

Phil. Well, I must sav you did not lose any time about it. 

Br. You see, I made such an impression that the enemy sur¬ 
rendered at once. 

Phil, (aside). The conceit of the man! (Aloud.) You made 
an impression? 


MR. BOB. 


30 

Br. Oh, no; I mean that she— Kitty — made the surrender. I 
mean the impression. 

Phil, (rises'} aside). O Kitty, Kitty! I thought you had better 
taste. (Aloud.) You admit that you love Kitty? 

Br. (aside). Deeper water. Oh, this is pleasant. If I tell him 
that I don’t care a rap for his Kitty he may grow violent. (Aloud; 
makes profound bow , holding cup in left hand , which he upsets with 
right in placing on his heart.) My dear sir, I adore the very 
ground upon which she walks. 

Phil. Have you asked her to marry you? 

Br. No, sir; not yet. My courage fails me. 

Phil. But you must. (Follows Brown about room.) 

Br. Oh, I must, must I? 

Phil. You have led her to believe that you are fond of her, and 
yet you do not propose. 

Br. But, my dear sir, I came down — 

Phil. I know that well enough. If you are the honorable man 
I take you to be, you will lose no time, but make Kitty happy at 
once. 

Br. But I am not sure that she loves me. 

Phil. But she does, I assure you. Now, sir, no more non¬ 
sense ! 

Br. (aside). Dear me ! He will have another attack. (Crosses 
to Philip ; lays hand soothingly upon his shoulder , and puts finger 
on lips.) Sh ! 

Phil, (throws off his hand). No, sir; this is not a time for 
silence. 

Br. (aside). I will try their signal. (With finger on lips , listens 
at doors; Katherine disappears ; Philip looks at him in astonish¬ 
ment.) Sh ! Sh ! 

Phil, (aside). What is this man trying to do? He loves Kitty, 
and hasn’t the sand to tell her of it. Now I must be severe and 
force him to it. (Aloud.) Silence yourself, sir ! (Backs Brown 
upon sofa , l.) You must propose to Kitty before the sun goes down. 
( Crosses to entrance , c.) If you don’t, you will find that you “ came 
down ” for business. (Exit.) 

Br. (sinks into chair). If I didn’t come down for business , 
what was it for ? 

(Enter Katherine : crosses to Brown with finger on lips.) 

Kath. Sh ! You are doing beautifully. Keep it up. (Exit, l., 
laughing at Brown.) 

Br. (laughs). Oh, yes, “ keep it up.” It is very fortunate that 
I have been served semi-hourly luncheons. My nerves could never 
have survived this day’s happenings. What shall I do ? I must 
have a rational conversation with Kitty’s cousin. I will find him ; 
tell.him that I have proposed to Kitty, and then perhaps he will 
listen to me. (Exit.) 


MR. BOB. 


31 


(Enter Katherine and Marion, lauehina.) 

Kath. I wish you could have heard it. Philip indignant be¬ 
cause Mr. Bob had not proposed to me. 

Mar. But what will Mr. Brown think of all this ? 

Kath. Everything will be explained to him in time. You see, 
he won't go until he has seen Philip. If we can keep Philip .in the 
dark about it until alter you win the race, it will be all rhdit. 
Philip will lorgive everything then. 

.Mar. But, now that your cousin has returned, he will wish to 
sail his boat himself. 

• Kath. No; because he has given his promise to Aunt Becky. 
He ga\ e up the race if she would give up the cats ; so vou see how 
important it is that Mr. Brown’s real identity should net be known 
at present. It Philip found it out, he would surely enter the race, 
and that would spoil all our fun. 

Mar. I do hope I shall succeed. Skipper Rawson was de¬ 
lighted with the idea of helping me. 

{Enter Miss Becky, c.) 

Miss B. Have you seen Philip ? 

Kath. He was here only a few moments ago, talking to Mr. 
Bob. 

Miss B. Talking to Marion? 

Kath. Why, no, Aunt Becky. Have you forgotten our latest 
scheme ? 

Miss B. To be sure. My head is so tired, it is a wonder that I 
can think of anything. 

Kath. ( leads her to arm-chair) . Sit down and take a nap, Aunt 
Becky. I will close all the doors and leave you to yourself a little 
while. (Marion and Katherine draw portieres at door , c.) 
There! You can have a cosey time, steal forty winks and wake 
quite refreshed. (Katherine and Marion exeunt.) 

Miss B. This is the most exciting day I have had for years. 
{Takes paper from pocket.) I must destroy these papers at once. 
Then I shall not be tempted to think of my pet scheme, and thus 
keep my promise to Philip. {Yawns.) Dear me! How tired I 
am ! Only think of Patty smothering those cats in that bag. I 
wonder they were not killed. {Yawns ; finally falls asleep.) 

{Enter Brown, c.) 

Br. I can't find Mr. Philip, and I have been disturbed ever 
since I gave those papers to the old lady. She may not be per- 
fectlv right in her mind, and might be tempted to destroy them. 

I must speak with her nephew before leaving the house. But it 
won’t do until this mystery is cleared. As Mr. Bob it won’t do to 
know anything about private papers. {Comes down stage; sees 
Miss Becky.) There she is now, and by Jove ! the very papers 


in her lap. I must have them. ( Goes towards her.) She is 
asleep. Good ! This is the first bit of luck I have had to-day. 
She must not suspect that 1 suspect her. How can 1 manage it ? 
(Crosses to table. Takes a sheet of paper from writing materials 
on table, folds it, takes papers from Miss Becky, and replaces them 
with folded paper.) There, my conscience will be at rest, and 
she will be none the wiser. This day’s business will prove rather 
expensive for Miss Luke if there is any expenditure of time charged 
to her account. As soon as I can have a reasonable chat with the 
old lady’s nephew I will return to town. There seems to be a 
rotary movement about the several names which have been thrust 
upon me. First, it was “ Mr. Bob ; ” then “ Mr. Saunders,” “ Mr. 
Brown the architect,” and now “ Mr. Bob ” again. I must get away 
before it is time for “ Mr. Saunders” to reappear. (Exit, c.) 

(Enter Patty, r., with sheet of paper; does not see Miss Becky.) 

Pat. Now we has it down in black and white. (Makes pro¬ 
found bow ; reads from paper.) 

“ My dear Miss Rebecca Luke, 

“ Dear Madam, — We takes our pens in our hands to write you as how we 
wishes no more cats. We likes you and we has a willingness for one cat, in fact, 
we rather likes one, but when it comes to twenty, we has strong objections. Me 
and the cook and James, not counting of Jenkins, who has objections, but objects 
to a-saying of it. ( Dramatically .) In the language of Shakespeare’s Mr. 
Macduff, we cries, ‘ Hold ! Enough ! ’ ” 

(Speaks.) there! I rather think that will touch her ladyship’s 
noble heart, and 1 will approach her with courage, knowing as how 
me and and the cook and James, and not counting of Jenkins, are 
in the right. I will approach her boldly. (Discovers Miss Becky ; 
wilts.) Lor! 1'here she is now. I wonder if she heard me. 
(Resumes courage.) Why should I hesitate. The girl what hesi¬ 
tates never gets anywhere. (Approaches Miss Becky; speaks 
softly.)' Miss Becky. She sleeps. (Dramatically.) Sleep on, 
fair maid. I would disturb thy slumbers not. 

(Enter J knkins.) 

Pat. (speaks softly). What ho! my noble Romeo. Dost thou 
love me? 

Jenk. You knows as ’ow I dotes on you, Patty. But don’t call 
me Romeo, Patty. Call me Jenkins. 

Pa i. I calls you what I please. (Brings him down stage: 
points to Miss Becky.) Behold ! 

Jenk. Don’t be so spasmodic, Patty. You give me a chill. 

Pat. Here is the paper you won’t sign. You must put it in 
Miss Becky’s hand. ' v 

Jenk. No. Patty. That would be beneath the dignity of a 
Jenkins. I object. & * 


MR. ROB. 




1 Ar. {with dignity). Wilt thou be my Romeo, or shall I have 
another? 

Jenk. But, Patty — 

Pat. Hesitate but a moment and Mr. Brown, who is just a-dy- 
ing for the opportunity, shall have the love vou would cast away. 

Jenk. Pll do it; but I says — 

Pat. ( gives him paper). Say no more. Place this paper in that 
envelope. 

Jenk. But, Patty — 

Pat. Quick! She starts, she moves — 

Jenk. ( places paper in envelope). There! I ’opes as now you 
are satisfied. 

Pat. I am. ( Draws Jenkins down front.) Jenkins, it’s time 
we objected to so many cats ; for I heard Miss Katherine tell her 
friend that Miss Becky had cats on the brain. 

Jenk. ( crosses to Miss Becky; whispers). I don’t see them, 
Patty. , 

Pat. They are inside. (Miss Becky stirs.) She is waking 
up, Jenkins. Leave the room. We shall be discovered. {Pushes 
Jenkins toward door, c.) 

Jenk. But, Patty, that tray — 

Pat. I will bring it. Go on. Wait for me in the pantry, and 
we will have another rehearsal. (Jenkins exit.) I hopes the 
paper won’t hurt Miss Becky’s feelings, but we had to do it. 

Jenk. {appears at door, c.). Juliet, Juliet! 

Pat. {raises cup from tray). “ Romeo, I come. This do I 
drink to thee.*’ {Drinks coffee and exit with tray.) 

Miss B. {wakes suddenly). What was that noise? Some one 
called. Dear me ! I must have fallen asleep, and these papers in 
my lap. Philip could have walked in upon me and discovered 
them. {Rises.) 

{Enter Philip.) 

Phil. Now, what shall I do with Mr. Bob? I wonder if he has 
proposed to Kitty yet. I should like to drop him overboard. The 
deep blue sea would be the best place for him. {Sees Aunt 
Becky.) Hallo! Aunt Becky. What are you doing with that 
official-looking document? 

O . , 

Miss B. I will be honest with you, Philip. They are plans for 
the house which my architect has sent me. 

Phil, {astonished). What plans? 

Miss B. {embarrassed). Before our compact, I had planned to 
convert the upper part of the house into one large room covered 
with a glass roof. 

Phil, {laughs). What a crazy scheme! Let me see the papers. 

Miss B. No: and to convince you that I intend to keep my 
part of the contract, 1 will destroy them. {Tears hafers and 
throws them in waste-basket.) There! 1 have put temptation out 
of my way. 


34 


MR. BOB. 


Phil. I am proud of you; and, to show you that I appreciate 
your sacrifice, will help you with your pet scheme, provided you 
will go at it with moderation. 

Miss B. My dear boy, I certainly will. 

(Katherine and Marion enter from door , l., laughing; come 

down c. ; do not see Philip, who turns and discovers them.) 

Phil. ( surprised ). Miss Bryant! 

Mar. Mr. Royson! I did not imagine that you were Kitty's 
cousin. ( They shake hands.) 

Phil. When did you arrive? 

Mar. I came from town this morning. ( Looks at Kathe¬ 

rine.) That is, 1 started this morning. 

Phil. I see ; stopped to visit on the way. 

Mar. Y-yes. 

Kath. This is a revelation to me. I had promised myself the 
pleasure of introducing you. 

Phil. Too late, Katherine. We met last summer. (Miss 
Becky is seated at table working.) 

Kath. Why, Marion! You never told me. 

Mar. Never dreamed that I was meeting your Mr. Royson. 

Phil. This young lady defeated me in the race. 

Mar. It was only a small victory. We came in almost together. 

Kath. (at door , c.). The boats are ready to start. We must be 
ofif. 

Phil. The race will be such a short one you had better lose no 
time. It is only out to the buoy and back. 

Mar. Won’t you join us, Mr. Royson? 

Phil. I wish that I might, but I am under compact, you 
know. 

Kath. We have been invited to sail in the race. 

Phil. Good luck to your vacht. 

Mar. We may be the winning boat. What shall you give as a 
reward ? 

Phil. My boat as a trophy. 

Mar. Be careful; we may take you at your word. Honor 
bright ? 

Phil. My hand upon it. 

Mar. Agreed. ( Girls exeunt laughing.) 

Phil. Gad ! It’s a mighty hard thing to give up that race. 
( Stands at door , C.) 

Miss B. ( crosses to Philip; places hand upon his arm). Don’t 
try to keep your promise. Sail your boat. 

Phil. No; I have given my promise. I won’t weaken. 

Miss B. Shall we watch them? 

Phil. You may, but 1 decline, with thanks. {Takes chair.) 
You shall have a seat up on the balcony. {Exeunt Miss Becky 
and Philip. ) 


Mr. bob. 


35 


{Enter Patty.) 

Pat. The race is on. Don't I wish I was in one of the boats! 
{At door, c.) 1 just wish me and Jenkins could go out. {Ar¬ 

ranges books upon table.) Miss Katherine has told me all about 
her friend; and Mr. Philip a-thinking that Mr. Brown is the 
Mr. Bob. When he finds it out it will be worse than the cats, 
I am a-thinking. We hasn't had so much fun in this house for 
weeks. It is as good as the theatre. 

{Enter Philip, c. ; crosses to entrance, c.) 

Phil. They seem to be going finely. The wind is just right 
for them. {Comes down; sits at table; takes up newspaper.) 
Pshaw! If Kitty’s Mr. Bob had only been a decent sort of chap 
he might have helped me out. I wonder why Kitty never told me 
about her friend Miss Bryant. I lost my heart to her last summer. 

Pat. {at door, C.). The boats are just beautiful. Don’t you 
want to watch the race, Mr. Philip. 

Phil, {very cross). No. 

Pat. Don't you want to see it? 

Phil. No. 

Pat. {aside). My eyes ! ain’t he cross ; and it’s all on account of 
cats, {to Philip.) Lor! sir, they's just beautiful. There’s one 
a-going ahead of the others. 

Phil. What did you expect they would do? All sail in a line? 

Pat. It’s that little one what you calls a 6V*/-boat. 

Phil, {rises, very angry). Don’t you say cat to me. 

Pat. ( frightened ). I begs your pardon, sir. I hopes as how I 
didn’t offend you. 

Phil. Well, you did. Leave the room. 

Pat. I goes, sir. {Aside.) He must have Miss Becky’s 
trouble, — cats on the brain. {Exit.) 

Phil, {seated; resumes reading). This house is completely up¬ 
set. The next one that says boat-race to me shall die. 

{Enter Jenkins, c.) 

Jenk. The race is on. Don't you sail to-day, Mr. Philip? 

Phil .{exasperated). No; nor to-night. 

Jenk. {at door , c.). Well, sir, excuse me for saying of it, but 
you are a-losing of a great sight. 

Phil. You will lose something, — your place, — if you don’t stop 
talking to me. 

Jenk. {with dignity). I begs your pardon, sir. I meant no 
offence. {Stands at entrance, c.) 

{Enter Katherine, c.) 

Kath. I am just wild with excitement. {Looks out of door.) 
There she goes! Isn’t shea beauty? Oh. if Bob will only win! 
{Sees Philip; comes down.) Why, Philip ! What are you doing? 


36 


MR. BOH. 


Phil. Can’t you see? I am reading. 

Kath. Come and look at the race. The boats are sailing 
finely. 

Phil. I thought you were to be in it. 

Kath. Bob— I mean Marion — has gone. 

Phil. Can’t you keep that fellow Bob out of your head for a 
moment? Where is Mr. Bob? 

Kath. In the race. 

Phil. Kitty, I never saw such a mean specimen of a man. 

Kath. I am sorry that you do not like Bob. I was in hopes 
that you would become warm friends. 

Phil. But he is so unattractive. 

Kath. Of course Bob isn’t such a fine-looking fellow as you 
are ; but I am satisfied. 

Phil. So it seems. 1 will try to like him for your sake, but it 
will be hard work. 

Kath. {at door, c.). There is a boat ahead. It looks like yours, 
Philip. 

Phil. Your imagination is lively. That disappointed craft of 
mine is tugging away at the moorings and wondering why she isn’t 
in it. , 

Kath. Do come here. 

Phil. And see some other boat win the race? Not if I know 
it. 


Kath. Jenkins, bring me a chair. (Jenkins brings one and helps 
Katherine to mount it.) Two boats ahead. The others are 
three lengths behind. They are nearing the buoy. One boat turns 
first —no, she has lost in making a wider turn, and the white star 
is ahead. See how desperate is the one behind. She plunges into 
the waves, dashing the spray over the bow. Philip, it is — I can 
see Bob. 

Phil. For once love’s eyes are far seeing. They are generally 
supposed to be blind. 

Kath. Bob is lying out on the weather rail. 

Phil, {laughs'). Probably white as a sheet, and hanging over it. 

Kath. Bob’s boat is gaining. They are abreast now. Oh, if 
she will only win! They are close together; the two boats look 
like one. See, the sails are swung off to starboard, and they square 
away for the finish. 


{Enter Patty.) 


Pat. O Mr. Philip, your boat is a-winning the race. 

Phil. Are you all crazy? {Goes to door , c.; takes glass from 
Katherine.) Gad ! {Looks again.) Why, it is my boat. 

Kath. And she is ahead. 

Pat. She’s just a-himming. {Embraces Jenkins.) O Jen¬ 
kins!— I means Romeo. 

Phil. Who is in her? (Philip stands upon the back <?/ Kath¬ 
erine’s chair.) 


\ 


MR. BOB. 


37 


Kaih. Mr. Bob, of course. Now they are making the run 
for home. Your boat leads by a length. See ! Look, Philip, it is 
a straight course to the line. She has crossed, and Bob has won by 
two lengths. {Waves handkerchief.) Hurrah! The race is ours. 
Three cheers for Mr. Bob. {Jumps from chair.) 

Phil. Mr. Bob is my friend for life. I must find him at once. 
(Makes for door, c.) 

Kath. (prevents him). Do wait until the boats are at their 
moorings. 

Phil. Indeed, I won't. Gad! I will bring back Mr. Bob on 
my shoulders. (Exit.) 

Kath. (laughing). What a picture that would be, and wouldn't 
Bob be pleased. Philip is so delighted about the race, he will for¬ 
give my deception. 

(Enter Aunt Becky.) 

Kath. (embracing her). Oh, I am so happy, Aunt Becky! It 
is just glorious. 

Miss B. Do let me breathe. What is it? 

Kath. Philip’s boat has won the race, and Bob was in it. 

Miss B. Well, I never! Katherine, I cannot get rid of Mr. 
Brown. He will not go until he has seen Philip. 

Kath. Have patience ; we shall soon be able to explain every¬ 
thing to Philip. 

(Enter Marion.) 

Kath. Bob. my dear boy, I am proud of you. You did nobly. 

Mar. Such a success. I am proud of it. Skipper Rawson and 
I have planned to go into partnership. 

Kath. You will be voted a member of the club immediately. 
Did you meet Philip? 

Mar. No; I came across the fields to avoid everybody. 

Kath. 'Philip was wild with joy, and has gone in search of you. 

Mar. Skipper Rawson has promised not to give me away. 

Kath. It won’t do to deceive Philip any longer. (At door , c.) 
Here he comes now. 

Mar. What shall I do? Is it time to reveal myself in my true 
colors ? 

Kath. I have it. (Turns arm-chair facing fireplace; seats 
Marion.) There! You must remain quiet until the decisive 
moment. 

(Enter Phi up.) 

Phil. It is true my boat has won, but Mr. Bob, evidently over¬ 
come bv modesty, has mysteriously disappeared. (Looking off, r.) 
Ah ! there you are. old fellow. (Goes out and brings in Brown on 
shoulder.) I am proud of you, and take back every mean thing I 
have said about you. Three cheers for Mr. Bob ! Rah ! Rah ! Rah ! 

B r . (astonished). Thank you. (Loses balance and slips off 
Philip's shoulder. Brown on floor.) I came dow n — 


f 


MR. BOB. 


3§ 

Phil. And I will say, “ Bless you, my children,” in the most 
approved fashion. 

Kath. What are you talking about, Philip? 

Phil. ( embraces Katherine). Your Mr. Bob is a hero, Kitty. 

(Embraces Miss Becky.) Your new nephew will do you proud, 
Aunt Becky. 

Kath. If Mr. Bob is a hero, why are you bestowing so much 
affection upon Mr. Brown? 

Phil, {laughs). No more bluff for me. Don’t you suppose I 
know your Mr. Bob when I see him? 

Kath. But really, Philip, you are mistaken. 

Phil. Mistaken f Who the devil are you then, sir? 

Miss B. Gently, Philip. This is Mr. Brown, the architect, who 
came to see me to-day. Katherine and I discovered our mistake 
just in time. (Brown during this tries to speak.) 

Phil. What do you mean, sir, bv passing yourself off for some 
one else? Why don’t you speak? 

Br. {quietly). Thanks, 1 would like to. {To Katherine.) I 
am not Mr. Saunders. (To Miss Becky.) I am not Mr. Brown, 
architect. (To Philip emphatically.) I am not Mr. Bob. 

Phil. For heaven’s sake, man, who are you? 

Br. I am Mr. Brown, clerk for the law firm of Benson & Ben¬ 
son, and came down — 

Phil. Why didn’t you sav all this before? 

Br. You all insisted that I was some one else. Now, sir, if I 
may be allowed to tell you why I came down I shall consider it a 
great favor. I brought with me important papers for Miss Luke — 
the missing codicil. 

Miss B. Which I destroyed. (Goes to scrap-basketj Patty 
enters.) 

Br. I beg pardon ; but fearing that the lady had something on 
her mind — 

Pat. (aside to Brown). It's cats, sir. 

Br. (to Patty). Go away! Finding the papers in her lap, 
while she was asleep in this room, I changed them. (Takes papers 
from pocket and gives them to Philip.) Here they are, sir. 

Miss B. What did I destroy then? 

Pat. If you please, ma’am, I put the paper into your lap. It 
was to say as how me and the cook and James, not counting of 
Jenkins who has objections, but objects to a-saying of it, has no 
willingness for so many cats. 

Miss B. I am so tired of this confusion I shall be glad to sign 
the paper myself. 

Phil. My dear sir, how can we atone to you for this mistake. 

(Jenkins enters.) 

Br. I ask for nothing, sir, only to be allowed to depart. 

Jenk. (at door , c.). Dinner is served. 

Phil. Have dinner with us before you go. 


MR. BOB. 


30 


Br. Thank you, no; I need nothing. 

Phil. I hope you will pardon my blunder in supposing you in 
love with my cousin Kitty. Wait a moment. Some explanation is 
needed here. Is Mr. Bob a myth ? 

Kath. (leads Philip to arm-chair). Here is Mr. Bob. 

Mar. ( laughing, rises) . Who is such a weak specimen of a 
man. 

Phil, (astonished) . What masquerading is this? 

Kath. My pet name for Miss Bryant is Bob. You took it for 
granted that my friend was a man, and I have had some fun at 
your expense. 

Phil. And you let me make a fool of myself by filling her room 
with my pipes and cigars. Kitty, I will never forgive you. 

Kath. (coaxingly). Oh, yes, you will, for Mr. Bob won the 
race. 

Phil. Not Miss Bryant? 

Mar. Skipper Rawson was my right-hand man. I was in the 
winning boat. Do I receive my reward? 

Phil. Certainly, only there is so much that goes with it. Will 
you take it all ? 

Mar. Of course. 

Phil, (laughs). You shall have it all. Captain Bob. My yacht 
and 1 have sworn never to be separated. 

Mar. (embarrassed) . Oh, I understand. 

Phil. Do you approve ? 

Mar. Hardly, upon so short an acquaintance. I will be satis¬ 
fied with the glory of winning, and leave the rest to you. 

Miss B. Well, I never! We won’t forget this day, Mr. Brown. 

Br. No ; it will be a red-letter day in my memory. 

Phil, (holds out hand to Marion, who takes it). The day Mr. 
Bob won the race. 

Br. The day I “ came down” — 

( Tableau , Jenkins and Patty at door , c.; Brown in c. of stage ; 

Miss Becky in arm-chair , r ; Katherine behind herj Philip 

and Marion, l.) 


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